Top Gear: The Tipsy Robin
by SonicSilverHedgehog
Summary: I get to drive the notorious Reliant Robin on the TG Test Track. But will the single front wheel be treacherous again?
1. Chapter 1

A _Tipsy_ Robin

The lights dimmed in the small portable. On the projection was an old British man with a 3-wheeler in front of him. I had seen this before. As well as the race car driver tipping over another 3-wheeler and an American driver doing the same. I swallowed hard. It was the precursor of today's events. Never in my life had I felt so nervous for something I was once so enthusiastic for.

Some time ago, I was given an opportunity to go to where BBC filmed Top Gear in Dunsfold, England. When I arrived there, I didn't realize what the Brits would think of me to do. It was entirely a conjecture. I could simply be driving Top Gear's "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car" car, the Kia Cee'd. Or, I could be blasting another Reliant Robin into space—with me in it. It was all a conglomeration of thoughts. However, those thoughts went away after Top Gear's Executive Producer, Andy Willman himself, came into the room a couple of teenagers and I were in, and started a brief discourse.

"Alright, who's ready?" he asked in his unique British accent. No one except me answered. "Exactly how crazy is this going to be?" I asked. "How bad have you known us to be?" he responded. "Let's see, there's the mad Top Gear Stunt School game, murdering a fat man for the Mafia, robbing an Albanian bank in underclothes, dropping Richard Hammond into a tank of water stuck in a car, and abjectly having James May take off ALL of his clothes in driving that Aston Martin V8 Vantage, just to name a few," I pointed out. "James incurred that on himself when he chose a car without air con or opening windows. You'll find out how hard the challenge will be. All I will tell you is that you will be driving a Reliant Robin, just like what the Clarkson drove." Since this was a chance to drive on the famed Test Track, I decided it would be best to concur.

Before we ourselves would drive on the Test Track, the producers decided to have their tame racing driver take us around the track. To quote Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson, "Some say, one of his legs grows longer when he sees a pretty lady, and that he was turned down for "I'm a Celebrity" because people have heard of him. All we know is, he's called the Stig."

The producers let us choose what car we could ride in with the Stig, as long as its price was under 100,000 pounds, or about $150,000. I chose the Caterham R500 Superlight. I knew that it was the fastest around the track for its price: a meager 30,000 pounds ($45,000). It accelerates from naught-to-sixty in 2.9 seconds, and "has the agility of a flea." In reality, my body only had been adjusted for 15 miles per hour on a go-kart. This was 120 mph on the back straight in an open-aired vehicle. All of my interjections were drowned out by the whining 2-liter Ford engine, something found in a Focus ST. I actually got sick to my stomach. I finally realized that the Stig really does have some neat ability, not that he didn't have any to begin with.

The Reliant Robin's 0-60 time can't even match the super fast Bugatti Veyron's 0-268 mph time, because it can't reach 60 mph, not to mention the precarious handling. Because of the three-wheel configuration with a single wheel at the front, a turn too quick could trigger a roll. The BMW Isetta, which is also a 3-wheeler, but with the single wheel at the back, wouldn't have the same problem. It would only flip if it did a quick reverse 180 j-turn, but even that wouldn't happen, because it doesn't have a reverse gear.

Back to the Robin, it won't get close to the Caterham's celerity, and it is terrifying in a different way. As I approached the corner where both the Stig and Rallycross driver Ken Block rolled the Robin, I remembered something: "If the Robin is about to tip, gently turn the wheel into the direction of the lean. When I felt the lean, I forgot the "gentle" part, and as I jerked the wheel into the opposite direction, it rolled across the asphalt before rolling back up onto all threes on the grass.

"Now I see why Ken Block called Jeremy Clarkson a pu…um…oh wait, I think that word might be explicit…"


	2. Chapter 2: Help

I tell you, that hurt a lot. I suppose that I had joined the bandwagon of people rolling over in their Reliant Robins. Like Jeremy Clarkson's Reliant Robin, I managed to get the miniscule 850cc engine back up and running and somehow managed to drive all the way back to the entrance…backward. I was that scared. If you just rolled over your car moving forward, you'd think that it'd be a good idea to go back the opposite direction you did originally, right? The other teenagers that were with me just stared at me as if I was a hooligan. Sensing their expressions, I simply said, "We're all crazy trying to do this."

The point of this exercise in this near-stock Robin was to travel around the track as fast as possible without rolling over or killing yourself. Thankfully, nobody actually killed themselves actually trying to drive this three-wheeled bull, but that didn't mean that they had an easy time. The guy that went after me thought that it would be a good idea to try to drift the Robin around the first corner. And no, it failed…terribly. It went just about the same for everyone else, except for one girl who didn't even want to make the Robin move forward. All I could say after each of the teenagers tried was, "Welcome to the Club."

In the typical fashion of Top Gear, the producers always provide a backup vehicle for the challenge. Even in this in-studio challenge, the producers were willing to provide a backup car. The prospect of it sounded appealing to most of us, but not all. Just about everyone was willing to travel on something that didn't have three wheels. The catch: the car wasn't really any better than the Robin, for its own reasons. That reason is the Morris Marina.

When the producers revealed the backup car to be the Morris Marina, I wondered whether to laugh or cry. For some reason back a couple of seasons before now, Top Gear had done a Communist Car comparison challenge with the Morris Marina being one of the competitors. However, it was later used as a burning dustbin, which enraged the Morris Marina Owners Club. Top Gear tried to compensate by buying another Marina and showing it on television, but it got smashed by a piano. This happened two more times, which really enraged the Morris Marina Owners Club to awkward extents. I decided that the best response was to look as neutral as possible…which was still awkward.


End file.
